上班族必備軟實力

*Richard, who has been in Taiwan for a long time, likes to ride escalators, but should get some exercise by walking more often.

The longest escalator in Taiwan rises from 3 stories below ground and goes up to 3 stories above ground. It is at the Zhongxiao Fuxing MRT station, where it goes from an underground line to an aboveground line. It takes more than 2 minutes to travel on it without walking. Before that, the longest escalator in Taiwan was at the Fancyworld amusement park in Yunlin county. (Those escalators are outside.)

There are escalators that have humps in them.

*Richard has a lot of experience eating.

One cannot eat Chinese food with a knife and fork, nor can a person eat Chinese soup with a spoon. It just simply won’t taste right (and people will laugh at you). You eat Chinese food with chopsticks, and you cannot eat Chinese soup; you must drink it.

You can use your hands, and you can drink from the bowl. The first time I got one of those rice triangles, I peeled it. I thought it was covered in black paper, but it is seaweed that you are supposed to eat. I should have asked someone how to eat this kind of food. Instead I just ended up looking foolish.

[Richard, an expatriated American in Taipei for over 15 years, used to study math.]

Every time you surf the Web, somebody is watching. They pay attention to what you click on, and they want to know why. Statistics are kept at a rate that is two times the standard deviation for this sort of thing.

The one thing that they have found is that articles that have numbers in the title get clicked on more than other articles. That is why, when you look at popular websites that have articles for you to choose from, at least three out of ten will have numbers in the title (and I made that number up).

*Richard has lived in Taiwan for a long time and still has a lot of stuff to see.

There is something for everyone in the tourist spots in Taiwan. Some people enjoy crowds more than others. Some people like scenery. Others would rather stay in the city and party away the night and day.

*Richard has lived in Taiwan for more than 15 years and drives both car and scooter. He says he is an excellent driver.

When I prepared for the driving test for Taiwan, I read the rule book. The laws are almost exactly like they are in America. The major exception is the rule for scooters to drive on the right side of the road, which has been largely ignored and not enforced.

Left Turn Only

In America, there is sometimes painted on the pavement, an arrow that curves to the left in a 90 degree angle. That means that the lane is for making left turns only. That way, if a driver is not going to turn, they will know to change into a lane that is for going straight. In Taiwan, they have these lane with the same arrows, but they don’t mean anything. You will find people going straight, turning left, and even turning right.

*Richard is from America and always washes his hands.

This is mankind’s ultimate contribution to the universe. It is the most awesome invention in history. It is the coolest thing to come along since cellophane. It is the most influential electronic device in the known universe. And it dries your hands really fast and leaves them feeling warm and comfortable.

It senses your hands and dries them fast.

*Richard, from Oklahoma, has lived in Taiwan for more than 15 years.*

Talking about bathrooms can be a delicate subject. It can be like talking about the elephant in the room, and why it smells so bad. It is touchy.

They are special places and have soothing sounds. Everything is quiet except for the water dripping from the faucets. You can hear reverberations off the walls that saturate the spartan arena in dry, whispering drips and splashes.

There are tiles. The tiles are cool and smooth, but never slippery. The tiles are usually a solid tan or off-white and show off the fact that dedicated people have been coming in every day to keep the place clean. It is antiseptic.

*Richard is a born commuter. Born in the USA, and commuting in Taipei since the 20th century.

The MRT (Mass Rapid Transit) system makes Taipei accessible to almost everyone. You can zoom around town and not have to worry about traffic and parking. It is also easy for visitors to use, because most signs have English translations.

With all of its convenience and thoughtfulness, it has taken some time to get used to. I have had to forget some old habits. For example: in the MRT, you don’t need to raise your hand to flag down the train. They don’t like it if you wave your arms at every inbound train. Also, if you are a little late and the train starts to leave, you cannot run alongside it, knocking on the door, yelling, “Stop!” That just makes them angry. Also, you must not try to hold the doors open like in an elevator.

*Richard is from America and has been living in Taiwan for more than 15 years.

Night markets are centers of intense hustle and bustle. They are dark and crowded. The noise, confusion, and flashing lights make everything uncertain and precariously exciting. If there was ever a place for some thrilling intrigue, then the night market would be where it happens.

Night markets are popular, and the more crowded ones are even more popular. If people aren’t packed in, walking slowly, and shoulder to shoulder, then something is wrong. And no matter how crowded it gets, you can always squeeze in a motor scooter or two.

When I was young and easy and living in the USA, I was literate. I was proud of my literacy. People used to ask me to read things for them. I understood what signs said and what most people were talking about. But then I moved to Taiwan and I am no longer literate.

                                                         What does it all mean?

I have studied Chinese a lot. I have studied in college, at language schools, with exchange partners, and at one-to-one classes. Nothing worked for me, probably because I have always been very introverted and don’t speak enough. Being in a place where everyone speaks a different language from me gives me an excuse to remain as quiet as possible.

*Richard has been living in Taiwan for more than 15 years and loves to whatch things happen.

In my neighborhood in Oklahoma of the USA, nothing ever changes much. The big street around the corner still has the same buildings. Some of the buildings have different stores than they used to, but all in all, they are the same. There’s a taco place, a chicken place, a hamburger place, a Chinese takeout, and a Chinese buffet. Over the years, the names change, but the function and ethnicity remain fairly stable. In the winter the icy streets and windswept alleys retain a ghostly quality that remains quiet and eerie. In the summer the hot steamy streets and wind blasted alleys retain the same ghostly quality that remains quiet and eerie.

Taipei is, on the other hand, in a seemingly perpetual state of flux. A lot of things have changed in Taipei since I first arrived 15 years ago. There was no MRT back then, and the Taipei zoo didn’t have any pandas. The city and the country are changing right before my eyes. It has been thrilling to watch it happen.

You can see construction on almost every block. New buildings, new housing, new stores, and new opportunities for the people are everywhere you look.

*Richard if from the middle of the United States, where cars are the new horses.

I have always enjoyed walks. I would buy a cup of coffee and drink it while I walk around. I would get lost in thought and totally disregard the outside world. It was relaxing and healthy, but in Taiwan I must be more aware of my surroundings.

*Sidewalks get filled up pretty quickly in Taiwan. There are laws about keeping the walks clear, and the police will come by and enforce them once in a while.

*Richard is a US citizen and a permanent resident of Taiwan.

I like to party as much as the next guy, unless the next guy is passed out in his pineapple shrimp. I am glad that there are so many kinds of places to have a good time in Taiwan. Here are some of the places I like to go.

*[Richard is a foreigner and a finicky eater who still manages to overeat on a regular basis.]*

I put Taiwan food into four categories. The first category is Western food, it includes fast food franchises like Burger King. The second category is non-threatening fast food like chicken leg rice or beef noodles. The third category is restaurant-style Chinese food. And the last category is the scary and strange stuff. That last category can be the most fun.

On my first visit to Taiwan, I went with some friends to the port in Taichung and one lady was being nice and buying for everyone the roasted squid-on-a-stick. I had never seen anything quite like this—a nice family posing together and proudly holding up their squids.

Stinky tofu is another food item that nobody prepared me for. Every time someone tries to get me to eat some, they always say the same thing. “It smells bad, but tastes good.” The smell is reminiscent of an open sewer or a soiled pair of gym socks.

Emoticons are the little pictures that help express the emotion involved in Internet comments. I don’t like to use them, and I’m not being sarcastic. They make me unhappy.

They arose in the age of the Internet, because emotions can show in your voice and add meaning to words, but it is hard to show feelings in a chat room. Others cannot hear the happy tone of your voice or see your sly, perceptive wink. They cannot see your body language or how often you roll on the floor, laughing.

At first glance, in Taiwan, riding a scooter looks impossibly dangerous. Seeing all the cycles swarming through the streets is intimidating. Scooters are supposed to keep to the right, but in reality, they are zooming all around between cars and each other. It looks impossible that accidents don’t happen every minute.

Newcomers to Taiwan are often intimidated by the prospect of getting on a scooter and joining that mess in the street. Getting out in traffic, you quickly see that things look a lot different from inside the swarm. You just need to go along with the flow of other bikes.

I was here for a year before I started scootering. I started riding shortly before the government made it mandatory to wear a helmet. But that was fine with me because without my helmet, my toupee kept blowing off. I was soon zipping merrily on my way on top of my SYM Chacha 50, but soon I blew out the engine by going too fast.

When I smell the crisp morning air while sipping on a piping hot cup of rich, aromatic coffee, I feel energized and ready to face another exciting day in Taiwan. The fragrance fills the air like a fresh mountain mist. It’s the first rest stop on an exhilarating daily adventure where one wonder will lead to another. A refreshing cup of coffee is just what I need to start the day with a smile and a can-do attitude that puts an extra spring in my step and declares to all the world that I am a doer, and that I matter, and that I can get great things done in this dog-eat-dog, cutthroat world. Let the hunger games begin, because I’ve got my coffee and nobody is going to stop me now.

<It makes me nervous, but I get a lot of work done—fast.>

<Richard 是位道地美國人，在台灣生活15年，想必知道那兒有最棒的美食，在和小魔女私下聊天時，Richard害羞的說，吃了很多好吃的，體重可增加不少呢！XD，現在就讓我們一同跟著Richard來去找找台灣好吃的美式餐廳吧！>

People from all over the world have their own particular tastes when it comes to the cheeseburger. British people like mayonnaise and a dense, heavy meat on their burger. In Australia they like a burger with bacon, eggs, and beetroot on it. I love the USA style—a juicy, smoky cheeseburger with mustard, dill pickles, onions, lettuce, tomato, and a nice quality cheddar cheese on top, under a warm and hearty bun.

When I came to Taiwan from the USA many years ago, I made it a personal goal to find the perfect cheeseburger. Like a mission to the moon, my search for the ideal cheeseburger was epic in scale and enormous in scope. It lasted for years and cost a lot of money.

I took my quest seriously. Every new hamburger place that opened up, I had to go and try and then report on the Internet what I had found. Some restaurants were opened up by foreigners, others were opened by Taiwanese people who had spent some time overseas and wanted to introduce some food they liked. Many places that I liked did not stay in business for very long. I have fond memories of a certain defunct Hawaiian hamburger and steak place in Tianmu.

Currently my dream burger is made at a restaurant called, The Diner, which has several locations in Taipei. It is a huge double meat cheeseburger with just the right flavor and juiciness. I always order it without bacon. (I think bacon detracts from the whole cheeseburger experience.) I can’t imagine finding a better burger, even in the USA.

I try and try, but the tones in the Chinese language are impossible. I think that it may have something to do with musical ability. Naturally musical people can control their pitch while talking and have the advantage when learning this language. I, and many people who are not harmonically gifted cannot sing on key. I can only sing in the shower. Maybe I could speak Chinese in the shower, but that doesn’t do me much good.

                                       Ma - ma – ma – ma it all sounds the same to me.

If you try to speak Chinese and use the wrong tones, then the meaning of what you wanted to say may be lost. When I say “good morning”, in Chinese, I may be saying “soap” by mistake. This frightening prospect is just another thing that holds me back from attempting meaningful conversations in Chinese, but it is not the only thing.